


Rosa the Vampire Detective

by oddishly



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Gen, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 16:03:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5462639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddishly/pseuds/oddishly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rosa shares an important life detail with the squad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rosa the Vampire Detective

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ishafel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ishafel/gifts).



> Dear ishafel, happy holidays! I have wanted to write vampire!Rosa for years now, so thank you for giving me the opportunity :D I hope you enjoy!

Jake shuts the door and drops into a seat next to Amy. “And … go!”

Rosa sighs. This is going to be insufferable. She stands to address the squad. “I’m a vampire. I was bitten by a perp on my first case out of the Academy and none of my Captains have had a problem with it, so you shouldn’t either.”

Finished with her speech, she sits. There’s a pause as the squad appears to digest this information.

Gina clears her throat from the back of the room. “Called it.”

“Gina!” hisses Terry, then returns to watching Rosa with wide eyes.

Rosa waits. This dumbstruck-staring part is always boring.

Delicately, Boyle says, “And do you, um--?”

“I don’t sparkle, I still like garlic on my pizza, and no, I’m not planning on drinking any of your blood. That’s disgusting.”

Everyone relaxes. 

“Right,” says Amy in a significantly higher-pitched voice than normal. “Well--”

“Jake, weren’t you and Rosa partners on that case?” interrupts Terry.

Everyone’s neck snaps to look at Jake. Santiago’s eyes widen and she leans away from Peralta. “Are you--?”

“No! Amy, how could you. I’m a lover, not a biter.”

“Nuh-uhh--that a hickey there, Amy?” asks Gina.

Amy blushes and tugs up her festive holiday turtleneck. 

“It was fifty-fifty which way he’d try to run," Rosa tells them. "Jake had the fire escape. I took the roof and got bit.”

Amy relaxes. She looks sympathetically at Rosa. “Sorry you didn’t catch him.”

“I did catch him.” Rosa smirks. “He tripped and impaled himself on a chair leg.” It was great. She’d marched him into the station, both covered in blood and him in handcuffs. It was totally embarrassing for him, and totally worth it.

Amy makes a face. “Oh, well uh. Well done, then.” She turns and scowls at Peralta. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this!” She thumps his arm.

“ _Ow_ \--Rosa told me she’d bite me if I told anyone!”

“Still true. For all of you.”

Everyone leans away again except for Scully and Hitchcock, who stay where they are at Rosa’s side.

“Why aren’t you two scared?” Jake demands. “Is this why you still have jobs? Are you impervious to vampire bites? Wait, are you vampires too?” His face falls. “I thought vampires were all hot, isn’t that a thing anymore?”

“I’m not a vampire,” Hitchcock says. “I was just already terrified of Rosa.”

“Yeah, her being a blood-sucking monster makes surprisingly little difference to how I think of her,” says Scully.

“We’ll just keep hiding in the men’s room when she gets to work and leaves and goes for lunch or looks at us.”

Rosa nods approvingly at them. Hitchcock pales.

“Okay, well, Captain,” says Jake, addressing an unconcerned looking Holt. “I think we need to confirm exactly how many people in this room are supernatural creatures.”

“That won’t be necessary,” says Holt firmly. “You need not be concerned for the safety of any of the squad. Except, of course, in case of gunfire or other workplace hazards. And, in Santiago’s case, around small dogs. She has...an allergy.”

Amy hangs her head. “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll try to get past this.”

“I do have one question,” says Boyle, raising his hand. He eyebrows Rosa. “You work days. How--”

This is all getting very personal. Rosa frowns at him.

Boyle’s eyes widen. “Which is perfectly normal, I’m sure,” he says. “Vampires go out in the day all the time, why wouldn’t they. All I know is food. And sometimes not even that.”

Rosa waits an appropriate number of seconds, then stands. “If anyone else has any questions, don’t ask me,” she announces. “I have fangs and I don’t get to eat people very often.”

Three people meep. Rosa rolls her eyes and heads for the door.

“Speaking of deeply held awesome secrets,” says Jake brightly. “Rosa went to ballet school. Ain’t _that_ a mindf--”

Rosa turns at the door and bares her fangs at him. The room hushes. Rosa leaves.

 

 

“So tell me all about this thing where vampires are all hot,” says Gina ten minutes later, leaning up against Rosa’s desk. “Then tell me about hot vampire events, and how I can get in on those without actually being a vampire.”

“Gina. What did I say about questions.”

“Not to ask them, throat ripped out with your vampire fangs, yadda yadda ya. You know I never pay attention in meetings.”

Rosa counts to five in her head. “I never said anything about vampires being hot, that was Jake. Jake gets his information from Twilight and other places that are wrong.”

“Jake has a crush on RPatz and I can’t blame him for what that leads him to,” says Gina. “I saw Harry Potter five times in the theater with that kid and that movie was not good.”

This conversation has already gone on for too long. “Hot vampires aren’t a thing,” Rosa says. “Stop believing everything Jake tells you.”

“All evidence to the contrary, Diaz, you’re smokin’,” says Gina. “Wait, are you cold-blooded? Are you reptilian? Do vampires sunbathe?”

“Leave me alone.”

Gina hops up to sit on the desk. Rosa gapes at her as Gina looks thoughtful. “Do you want me to set up a hot vampire event? I’ll come as your hot plus one.”

“Absolutely not,” snaps Rosa. “Vampires are unfeeling antisocial creatures with no romance skills, and especially do not date. Ask anyone.”

“Amy!” Gina yells across the precinct. “C’mere, Captain Holt needs you for something. I need you for something. Bring your zigzag scissors.”

“Yes--no, which is it?” asks Amy, materialising next to Gina at the desk. “You or the captain? Because--wait, why do you need pinking shears?” She’s holding two pairs in one hand and a mini version in the other. Rosa shakes her head.

“Rosa needs you to throw a party for her hot vampire friends,” Gina says. “She’ll invite you if you do it.”

Amy grows an inch. “I would _love_ to.” She looks affectionately at the pinking shears and tells them, “It’s been too long.”

“Do I need to wear leather? I usually prefer fur,” Gina muses, “but that might be in bad taste at a vampire party. What about pleather?”

“Werewolves don’t exist, Gina,” Rosa says through her teeth. “There is no immortal feud.”

“Are you sure, though?” Gina gives her a look that says she thinks this answer is _clearly, not_.

Things spiral out of control from there. Where Rosa expected fear, respect, and another healthy dose of fear, these weirdos are acting like they’re all her unconditional friends or something. 

Over to the left, Amy has already managed to make a stack of invitation-sized cards with her shears and rose tissue paper. Boyle’s nose is three inches from a webpage titled _17 Lip-Lickingly Good Recipes With Blood_ and Jake is loudly declaring, “Thank you, Rosa, for saving me from a horrible fate of letting slip your secret and being de-jugulared for it. Or imploding due to secret-keeping, whichever came first.”

Rosa stands up. “I’m going. I have a--criminal. To catch. Out there. Alone.”

“No eating the criminal,” Holt says, to general and, in Rosa’s case, horrifying amusement. “Handbook-mandated snacks only.”

“Okay,” she manages. “Of course not. I wouldn’t do that. Haha.”

Terry smiles at her across the room. “It’s okay,” he says. “We all still think you’re terrifying. Even though we like you a lot. But you’re also a very scary blood-sucker. You’re great at parties though. Would you like a blood lassie?” He swallows audibly. “I can make you one, if you want.”

Rosa says something unintelligible and bolts.

 

 

When Gina shows up newly vampired the next morning, wearing a brand new wolf sweater and very red lipstick, Rosa slaps a hand over her face and thinks sadly about what her life has become.

“Don’t forget to RSVP to my Hot Vampire Party,” chirps Amy, handing an invitation over before Rosa can crawl under something and hide. She bares her fangs instead.

Amy goes pink. “I find you so attractive right now. Jake was right,” she mutters, and spins on her heel. “I can never tell him.”

“So do you, like, go to that vampire bar in Williamsburg?” Gina asks, somehow at Rosa’s desk once more. She studies her own fanged reflection on the computer screen. “They do a blood-flavored oxygen cocktail. I never would have thought it, but blood is _delicous_. Also, you were right about the werewolf thing, I feel no particular animosity towards anything today except Boyle’s pants choice.”

“Cut-offs are coming back,” says Boyle. “Also, we should try that new place on 4th, it has some--well, _unexpected_ reviews that make a lot more sense now I know what to look for. I have so many new flavor categories to add to my weekly email blast!”

“Mmmm, thanks, Boyle, but your pants are still a travesty,” says Gina, and returns to giggling and snarling at her reflection by turns.

“You’re doing this wrong,” Rosa tells her, then turns on the precinct as a whole and declares, “You are all doing this wrong!”

No one pays any attention and the day goes on. Zero points to Rosa. Precinct one million.


End file.
